Post by wolffalke on Jun 7, 2019 19:10:53 GMT
Proof why I should not be allowed to get bored and post unsupervised. Written back in 2003 or so lots of Amazon, Xena and Buffy references. Just to warn people if I ever decide to cause such mayhem in the House. I am pretty sure Rev is going to ground me for this.
TO: All Department Heads, United Vegetable Empire, and All Other
Interested Parties
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: New Residents in the Woods Outback
Good afternoon,
It has come to my attention that after numerous attempts to repair the time rip that has formed near the Woods Outback the rip remains open. Also, reports of immigrations from ancient Greece have also risen in the form of two tribes, more commonly known as the Amazons and Centaurs, who have settled in the western part of the Woods Outback and the small valley beyond respectfully. Since the List Gutter does have an open membership policy and no one wants to risk irritating either part by asking them to leave - they do look like two rather short tempered groups, so they should fit in quite nicely in with the rest of us.
As with all newcomers to the List Gutter and Woods Outback we would like to remind them that there are a few Gutter Rules and Regulations that are expected to be followed, to the best of one's abilities. Do to the nature of our new Woods Outback residents a few amendments have been added to the rules to accommodate them. The amendments are as follows:
Number 1:
No taunting, poking or making eye contact with the trained attack lawyers. They are notoriously ill-tempered and without any sense of humour whatsoever, while we are not sure if this is a genetic trait or is a conditioned response, we ask that no one but the trained attack lawyer handlers do any poking.
This rule also applies to the Amazons with a change to; no taunting, poking or staring at their cleavage for prolonged periods of time, unless you happen to be a member of the tribe and that particular Amazon is rather fond of you to begin with. The Amazons have sharp pointy swords and are prone to torture people at the drop of a helmet for such insults as calling them "girls", "little lady", "harlots", and have been known to go into homicidal rages when asked; "So where are the real warriors... you know the men of the village." Or being told that their beloved princess tells really crappy stories... in the event of any of these possible insults occurring you will die a slow, painful and quite possible humiliating death.
Gutter Security cannot protect you, nor will they even try... hundreds of enraged Amazons running amok in the List Gutter in mass riots are not a good thing and will be avoided at all costs. You insult them, you will pay the price for your foolishly, insane acts.
Number 3:
Do not buy any tickets to the all-nude slayer musical "Stakes for the Memories", no such musical exists or will ever exist. The so-called stage production is the product of the mad ramblings of one of our more eccentric members with a passion for show tunes and nudity.
This also goes for any Amazon festival... they are strictly "members only" parties and frown on party crashers. In the event that there is a party open to members of the male gender... please give long thought to actually attending such a party. They want you for only one purpose and will kick you out of camp the next morning... with or without your clothes depending on their mood at the time.
Number 5:
All state and local laws on the consumption of alcohol and operation of motored vehicles are in effect for the List Gutter and Woods Outback, although our penalties are a bit harsher. If caught endangering the general public while in a drunken state you will be tied to a chair and forced to watch Donny and Maria, the Partridge Family, and the Brady Brunch reruns on a wide screen television for an entire month. For repeat offenders you get two months of Barney, the Teletubbies, and, Bob Ross, that annoying guy on PBS that does all those landscape paintings and speaks in monotones.
In regards to the Amazons... this has been amended to: "the operation of chariots, horses or Centaur powered war wagons." Since neither the Amazons nor Centaurs have been exposed to the evilness of certain 70s television shows, a different punishment for first time offenders has been developed. If caught endangering the general public while in a drunken state you will be tied to a chair and forced to listen to "The Greatness of Roman Man: Why Females and Centaurs are Inferior", written by some dead guy that we understand got ran over by a speeding war wagon no less then 23 times. According to the legend, a legendary Centaur and his Amazon wife were operating the war wagon at the time. And the ever so popular; "How to Marry Your Daughters to the Local Warlord" and "Women: Are They More Valuable Then Sheep?" both works, strangely enough written by ancient writers that met very violent and somewhat bizarre deaths. Especially if you take into account the shear meanness and down right painfulness of dunking some one in warm honey and then dropping them into a Griffin's nest.
As of right now those are the only rules and regulations of the List Gutter that apply to the Amazons and Centaurs... future additions and amendments will be add as event warrant.
Before I go, I would like to address a few issues that are of some concern to all parties with our new residents in the Woods Outback.
Item 1:
The tunnels being dug under the Amazon communal bathhouse by one Bill Gopher are for drainage and not, as it has been rumoured, "peep" holes. Not only is Bill a happily married gopher, with a somewhat possessive wife, and is a very proud papa, he is most importantly well.... a gopher. While he does find humans to be a somewhat strange furless bunch that don't always scare young cubs in the forest... looking at them naked is the furthest thing from his mind. He does have a wild Jamaican squirrel mate that would kill him.
I do understand the Bill has been sighted in and around the Amazon village long after digging hours. I assure the Amazons that Bill is not a threat he is just mostly curious... he doesn't meet many beings that know how to throw really good parties. However if he should approach and start showing pictures of his little cub Matthew, just humour him for the most part, he'll go away after showing them to you. And he does only have 83 of them he can carry at one time. "This is Matt sleeping." "This is Matt drooling." "This is Matt drooling while sleeping." And so on... for the most part he is harmless and a hard worker... he is also an extremely proud papa as one can tell by that goofy grin he gets every time you ask him about the rug rat.
Item 2:
Reports of the demented vampire fruit bat {or flying fox} is actually the were-pup what was caught on tape howling outside the home of a certain Warrior Princess during the last full moon. When asked the reason for my actions, I apparently growled into the camera; "it was the mimes, the mimes made me do it... oh the horror, the horror... it was the MIMES" why I said this is still a bit of a mystery even to me. Although I am official blaming it on the Joxer Society of the Ethical Treatment of Dipsticks, I was harassed and harried by them all night with their phone calls and petitions to have Joxer replace Xena as Gabrielle's lover.
Item 3:
Reports of a warrior rabbit and her bard squirrel sidekick moving into a small tree stump near the big oak tree by the path leading to town are true. Both newcomers to the Woods Outback spent a relaxing weekend with a certain flying fox discussing the proper use of chakrams and breast daggers. I would like to go on record right now as saying I know nothing of the unfortunate mishap involving Sammy Koala that turned his fur into a pink and blue skunk-like scheme... I only took the pictures and threatened him with blackmail.
Item 4:
The small cave on the edge of the forest has been taken over by a naked Gabrielle and a tall dark warrior as a second home and "love nest". The rules regarding the South Gutter of no video equipment or taking pictures in the area also now apply to the cave. The warrior is rumoured to get in rather violent and sadistic moods when she can't do naughty things to her little bard. In the interest of continued list safety... please stay clear of the small cave, and yes that does include a certain scooter riding badger.
Item 5:
Spiked jungle juice is NOT to be given accidentally or otherwise to the tall dark warrior's sidekick Gabrielle. It is reported that the bard has a sensitivity to herbs and alcohol... one legendary incident resulting in her leading a chorus of rock singers and declaring her companion's beauty to the same group of rocks. Need I remind the List that all of our rocks and boulders are quite tone deaf, not even able to hum without sounding like a goat is being murdered?
That is all, we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.
ShadowDrake -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}
"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002
AIM screen name: WolfFalke
Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow
MSN messenger: Tankesly@hotmail.com {Shadow}
ICQ Number: 82517628
TO: All Department Heads, United Vegetable Empire, and All Other
Interested Parties
FROM: The Director of Public Safety
SUBJECT: New Residents in the Woods Outback
Good afternoon,
It has come to my attention that after numerous attempts to repair the time rip that has formed near the Woods Outback the rip remains open. Also, reports of immigrations from ancient Greece have also risen in the form of two tribes, more commonly known as the Amazons and Centaurs, who have settled in the western part of the Woods Outback and the small valley beyond respectfully. Since the List Gutter does have an open membership policy and no one wants to risk irritating either part by asking them to leave - they do look like two rather short tempered groups, so they should fit in quite nicely in with the rest of us.
As with all newcomers to the List Gutter and Woods Outback we would like to remind them that there are a few Gutter Rules and Regulations that are expected to be followed, to the best of one's abilities. Do to the nature of our new Woods Outback residents a few amendments have been added to the rules to accommodate them. The amendments are as follows:
Number 1:
No taunting, poking or making eye contact with the trained attack lawyers. They are notoriously ill-tempered and without any sense of humour whatsoever, while we are not sure if this is a genetic trait or is a conditioned response, we ask that no one but the trained attack lawyer handlers do any poking.
This rule also applies to the Amazons with a change to; no taunting, poking or staring at their cleavage for prolonged periods of time, unless you happen to be a member of the tribe and that particular Amazon is rather fond of you to begin with. The Amazons have sharp pointy swords and are prone to torture people at the drop of a helmet for such insults as calling them "girls", "little lady", "harlots", and have been known to go into homicidal rages when asked; "So where are the real warriors... you know the men of the village." Or being told that their beloved princess tells really crappy stories... in the event of any of these possible insults occurring you will die a slow, painful and quite possible humiliating death.
Gutter Security cannot protect you, nor will they even try... hundreds of enraged Amazons running amok in the List Gutter in mass riots are not a good thing and will be avoided at all costs. You insult them, you will pay the price for your foolishly, insane acts.
Number 3:
Do not buy any tickets to the all-nude slayer musical "Stakes for the Memories", no such musical exists or will ever exist. The so-called stage production is the product of the mad ramblings of one of our more eccentric members with a passion for show tunes and nudity.
This also goes for any Amazon festival... they are strictly "members only" parties and frown on party crashers. In the event that there is a party open to members of the male gender... please give long thought to actually attending such a party. They want you for only one purpose and will kick you out of camp the next morning... with or without your clothes depending on their mood at the time.
Number 5:
All state and local laws on the consumption of alcohol and operation of motored vehicles are in effect for the List Gutter and Woods Outback, although our penalties are a bit harsher. If caught endangering the general public while in a drunken state you will be tied to a chair and forced to watch Donny and Maria, the Partridge Family, and the Brady Brunch reruns on a wide screen television for an entire month. For repeat offenders you get two months of Barney, the Teletubbies, and, Bob Ross, that annoying guy on PBS that does all those landscape paintings and speaks in monotones.
In regards to the Amazons... this has been amended to: "the operation of chariots, horses or Centaur powered war wagons." Since neither the Amazons nor Centaurs have been exposed to the evilness of certain 70s television shows, a different punishment for first time offenders has been developed. If caught endangering the general public while in a drunken state you will be tied to a chair and forced to listen to "The Greatness of Roman Man: Why Females and Centaurs are Inferior", written by some dead guy that we understand got ran over by a speeding war wagon no less then 23 times. According to the legend, a legendary Centaur and his Amazon wife were operating the war wagon at the time. And the ever so popular; "How to Marry Your Daughters to the Local Warlord" and "Women: Are They More Valuable Then Sheep?" both works, strangely enough written by ancient writers that met very violent and somewhat bizarre deaths. Especially if you take into account the shear meanness and down right painfulness of dunking some one in warm honey and then dropping them into a Griffin's nest.
As of right now those are the only rules and regulations of the List Gutter that apply to the Amazons and Centaurs... future additions and amendments will be add as event warrant.
Before I go, I would like to address a few issues that are of some concern to all parties with our new residents in the Woods Outback.
Item 1:
The tunnels being dug under the Amazon communal bathhouse by one Bill Gopher are for drainage and not, as it has been rumoured, "peep" holes. Not only is Bill a happily married gopher, with a somewhat possessive wife, and is a very proud papa, he is most importantly well.... a gopher. While he does find humans to be a somewhat strange furless bunch that don't always scare young cubs in the forest... looking at them naked is the furthest thing from his mind. He does have a wild Jamaican squirrel mate that would kill him.
I do understand the Bill has been sighted in and around the Amazon village long after digging hours. I assure the Amazons that Bill is not a threat he is just mostly curious... he doesn't meet many beings that know how to throw really good parties. However if he should approach and start showing pictures of his little cub Matthew, just humour him for the most part, he'll go away after showing them to you. And he does only have 83 of them he can carry at one time. "This is Matt sleeping." "This is Matt drooling." "This is Matt drooling while sleeping." And so on... for the most part he is harmless and a hard worker... he is also an extremely proud papa as one can tell by that goofy grin he gets every time you ask him about the rug rat.
Item 2:
Reports of the demented vampire fruit bat {or flying fox} is actually the were-pup what was caught on tape howling outside the home of a certain Warrior Princess during the last full moon. When asked the reason for my actions, I apparently growled into the camera; "it was the mimes, the mimes made me do it... oh the horror, the horror... it was the MIMES" why I said this is still a bit of a mystery even to me. Although I am official blaming it on the Joxer Society of the Ethical Treatment of Dipsticks, I was harassed and harried by them all night with their phone calls and petitions to have Joxer replace Xena as Gabrielle's lover.
Item 3:
Reports of a warrior rabbit and her bard squirrel sidekick moving into a small tree stump near the big oak tree by the path leading to town are true. Both newcomers to the Woods Outback spent a relaxing weekend with a certain flying fox discussing the proper use of chakrams and breast daggers. I would like to go on record right now as saying I know nothing of the unfortunate mishap involving Sammy Koala that turned his fur into a pink and blue skunk-like scheme... I only took the pictures and threatened him with blackmail.
Item 4:
The small cave on the edge of the forest has been taken over by a naked Gabrielle and a tall dark warrior as a second home and "love nest". The rules regarding the South Gutter of no video equipment or taking pictures in the area also now apply to the cave. The warrior is rumoured to get in rather violent and sadistic moods when she can't do naughty things to her little bard. In the interest of continued list safety... please stay clear of the small cave, and yes that does include a certain scooter riding badger.
Item 5:
Spiked jungle juice is NOT to be given accidentally or otherwise to the tall dark warrior's sidekick Gabrielle. It is reported that the bard has a sensitivity to herbs and alcohol... one legendary incident resulting in her leading a chorus of rock singers and declaring her companion's beauty to the same group of rocks. Need I remind the List that all of our rocks and boulders are quite tone deaf, not even able to hum without sounding like a goat is being murdered?
That is all, we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.
ShadowDrake -
Dir. of Pub. Safety of the SECoLGA and Chief Dungeon Keeper. Vampire Teddy Bear and Flying Fox of the Woods Outback. The Big Bad and Little Comma. Mistress of Mischief, corruptor of the innocent, tormentor of Quindolyn. Founding Member of GWBNS - Hey, its a way of life! Dark Mistress of Weirdness. Yang to Alex's Yin. Charter Member of the Hand of Chaos, member of the Order of the Silver Claw of the Highland Werewolves of Gaia. Member of the Questionably Sane Biker Were-Folk Assn. {QSBWFA}
"I do not brood... I reflect." - Unnamed Vampire Teddy Bear 03/2002
AIM screen name: WolfFalke
Yahoo screen name: drakesshadow
MSN messenger: Tankesly@hotmail.com {Shadow}
ICQ Number: 82517628
